day breaks and the stars shown bright. somethings changing.. india was right.

A new dawn is approaching, I can feel her rays. The serenity of the still ocean has me locked in his gaze. I am dreaming now, but consciously awake. 

The smell of pure soothes my every aching bone, as my body melts into the thick of the purple sky. I am calm now, and my breath alive. I have never experienced such peace in my life.

cleaning house. i feel filthy.

i find great anguish in the lethargy of egoism. when the 'i' is all you know and anything other than 'me' is a burden.

i don't know whether those are palpably exhausted dreams or a slothful aversion to affable engagements. but regardless of their spawn, he cradles them until my bloody grip makes him weep.

and thats when he knows i will let go. and i do. because i never wanted to make a man this meek. but i also never wanted to accompany a man this weak. and he is. so he sleeps. and eats. his soul away.

days, weeks, months become lost in his world of confused heresy, where people have no names and night blurs into days. where neglect is common place and pain is fair. where no one honors sun and moon is raped of all its glory, there is no nature there. there is no higher truth. its a place where all he knows is 'he' and the wild, canine glory of his mind. to me, this is the saddest story of our kind. to me, this is why our earth is dying.

i'm not scarred of alone this time.
i'm ready to say goodbye.


..i hope.

purge

in her breath i do weep.


she tells me of life, of surrender, of goddess divine. she explains in detail the experience of detachment, of refinement, of ambush and decline. she recites devotion and proclaims release. she devours expectation and rejoices inner peace. her ability to love beyond their hate is something i've painstakingly had to learn to embrace. i find sorrow in her lust. i find weak in her strong. my love for her is so thick, it burns.


there is no more room for love in this heart of mine. she has taken up every last space. but i would still give her more if she asked. reaching to every extremity my limbs do possess. i'd die for her i said, i'd die for her. i would kill my own breath.


can love become so vicious that i strangle my very heart that beats and bangs so malignantly beneath my chest? does she know how utterly hard it is to contain the pain that so violently thrashes himself against the walls of my breast? do i dare tell her of this mess.


i want to cry and scream so hard that my chest fucking explodes and bleeds red all over her linen sheets. i want to stab my heart so hard my last breath leaves me for nothing and i choke away my gut-wrenching feat. i want to curl up into fetal position and know what it feels like to have somebody cradle me back. to have my mother cradle my back. to have my mother love me back. to have my mother back. to have my mother back. to have my mother back. to have my mother back. to have my mother back. i want my mother back.


i hate so much that I'm weak. because i try so hard to be strong. but in the end, i will always wish she had never gone. i was too young, i was too young.


I'm sorry mother. i will never love anyone more intensely than i do you. and i know it's because i will never have you like i used to.






the tears are cold and my chest empty. it makes me feel so lonely. a lovers heartache could never match the loss of a daughters mom.

i saw a falcon. then i saw another. but this was only a forshadow of my future.

sometimes i want him to hurt so bad his hours start to bleed into days. a rotting corpse under the burning sun.
i would like to see his face when i walk out the door. better yet, his shame when i don’t return.

because this is what it feels like. he’s making me stale. but this has been happening for quite some time now.
incapable of harnessing any sense of control, he fights the raging battle; tormented at sea by his own unwillful creation. the antithesis of co-anthing, his selfishness encompasses all that he breathes.
and then there’s me. trailing behind his seemingly tattered and weary boat, there i so incautiously reside. choked by the neck, the rope pierces my skin like a thousand rusted needles. up and down, up and down, around, they rip and pull at my tolerance. my sickening endurance.
i gasp for air. but here, breath does not exist. the salty sin burns and boils my lungs. my tounge is numb. my eyes cry blood. and he trails on.
where. am. i.