i need to make a conscious decision. within myself, for only myself and unto myself. today is going to be my day. my day to find comfort within. to find confidence, control and love, grace, harmony all from within. for so long i have relied on another for my own self gratification and i have to stop, i need to stop if i want to maintain healthy relationships with the ones i love. i never used to be like this, i never relied on anybody but myself..well, except my mother, whom i was very attached to emotionally and mentally. i was the quintessential independent woman who did not rely on others to give me satisfaction, to give me attention, to give me assurance, to give me confidence. i was myself and felt good being myself. then my mom left. she moved to india and i was devastated. at first it was okay. i started cleaning a lot though, like a lot. everyday i cleaned the entire house, i was still living with my dad and the three dogs at the time, it was my therapy. but the longer she stayed the weaker i got. she was my base, my foundation, my core, my bond. i needed her to sustain me, i felt like a new born that had been ripped from its mothers breast and i couldn't survive alone. this is when i birthed a new desire, a foreign desire. the desire for another. the reliance on another. i had lost all grounding and needed something to latch onto before i fell so deep i would lose all sight of the sun light. like a baby gorilla latches to its mothers back, legs, arms, belly, i was desperate. alone, abandoned, lost, forgotten, i needed somebody to fill that void, the void that my mother left behind. ..my relationships changed drastically at this point and i hated it. i totally and wholeheartedly hated it. 'needy' and 'naggy' were the two words i repeatedly heard. and it was true, i did. and i was furious over it, but couldn't help it. i was desperately in need of a haven, a pouch, a womb, a place to nestle my self up in and peacefully fall asleep. but it wasn't going to happen that way. i'm 23. what 23, or 26 for that matter, year old man wants that in his life, is ready for that in his life. none. they're years behind us women, they're still figuring out how to flush the toilet let alone love somebody other than themselves. not a good match. my relationships have been a blur, they have been a battle, they have been a mere disappointment. but only because of myself. my lack of confidence within myself to rely on only myself. they were actually beautiful relationships, but i was too lost to see, too blind, too victimized. now, i sit here, after spending years living in my sorrowful repetitious behavior, with a new knowledge. a new understanding. and it would be sinful to have gained this awareness and deny its application to myself. i am fully aware now of my actions and my state, i am no longer living in ignorance nor choose to further suffocate myself, and those around me, in that nature. today i make a conscious decision, i make a conscious change, i make a realization a reality. my reality. my freedom.
